– Alabama State Represenative Mary Sue McClurkin introduces bill to restrict abortions because, according to her: “When a physician removes a child from a woman, that is the largest organ in a body…You don’t have any other organs in your body that are bigger than that.” Okay, someone needs to repeat 4th grade science…
– Ohio poll worker admits voting twice (because she feared the first one wouldn’t count), as well as submitting two additional ballots under other peoples’ names. To top it all off, she insists she had “no intent” to commit voter fraud. Guess which candidate she voted for.
– Conspiracy theorists are speculating that Beyoncé’s recent pregnancy was faked, and that she did not actually give birth to her daughter Blue Ivy. And while we’re at it, how do we know Beyoncé was really born in America?
– Obama’s immigration reform plan would finally restore some sense to immigration policy, granting immediate citizenship to all illegal aliens–just kidding–those illegal immigrants who are lucky enough to qualify for citizenship will still have to wait up to 13 years for it!
– The Council on American-Islamic Relations, determined to be offended by everything, releases a statement criticizing Saturday Night Live sketch called “Djesus Uncrossed”, which features Christoph Waltz as a sword-swinging, machine gun-toting Jesus.
– And finally, marijuana legalization is becoming more popular than ever, with both Democrats and Republicans jumping on the bandwagon. Hopefully this means more states will be joining Washington and Colorado in (semi-)legalizing marijuana.